WHAT’S YOUR GAME?

As children we often tell lies, although we don’t consciously know that’s what we are doing. Mostly we tell lies to protect ourselves or shift the blame so we don’t get punished. If Mum or Dad asks us a question in ‘that tone of voice’ which to a small child means ‘we did something wrong’ we will think that they are accusing us of something and immediately we go into a defensive or survival mode and will deny it until we are blue in the face, despite all evidence to the contrary.

It doesn’t matter how trivial the offense may be, it could be something as minor as opening the front door to let the cat in, which in our mind is the right thing to do, but when Mum asks “Did you open the front door and let the cat in?”, something in the way she asks the question or the look in her eyes, or the way she is standing makes us feel frightened, as if we did something bad, so we automatically say “no”. This is a reflex self protective response in reply to a situation that has made us feel fearful.

Depending upon the circumstances, on how small or large the crime may be, as children we learn early to try to deflect punishment. If we have been raised in a dysfunctional family where we have lived in continual fear as a child, we learn many ways of trying to protect ourselves, and these behaviours, like lying, often continue as we mature into adulthood.

There are several different ways of lying:

Direct Lying, that is deliberately lying to either deflect punishment, or laying the blame at another’s door to punish them.

There is also Passive Lying; where we are scared of telling the truth because we might hurt someone else’s feelings or get them into trouble. Or we are so afraid of the consequences of telling the truth we pretend we don’t know anything about it.

Another form of lying is called Exaggeration. This type of lying is falsifying the truth to make us look better than we feel or believe we are. This can take the form of exaggerating our skills on a job interview, trying to impress a new date, exaggerating to our friends at the pub, telling stories about the big fish that got away,telling friends about having sex with someone you didn’t. This form of exaggeration is called Bravado and includes bragging, boasting or stretching the truth.

TRUTH OR DARE

The problem with most forms of lying is that at some level inside us, we are always scared we will be found out and punished, or humiliated, laughed at or embarrassed. Lying can also cause us to feel diminished in a very subtle way. By this we mean that it seems that if we have to lie to make ourselves feel better, then we must believe we are not good enough as we are. This is called a ‘Hidden Agenda’,this feeling of ‘not quite rightness’ can make us feel bad about ourselves and is often the cause of low self-esteem.

Often as teenagers, or even as adults we play the game of ‘Truth or Dare’ and some of us are so afraid of admitting the truth that we would rather do a horrible dare than admit the truth about something we feel so ashamed of.

Sometimes we are so desperate to release these lies or bad thought, that we might go to a therapist to offload, or confide in a best friend, but a lot of us are so ashamed of ourselves and feel so guilty about these lies and secrets that we go to our graves full or remorse and regrets that we were never brave enough to admit them.

What might have started off as evasions, untruths or white lies, can gain momentum over time until sometimes we do not know what the truth is anymore. We lie to ourselves so much that we become strangers to ourselves and hate ourselves for being weak and shameful, and the guilt becomes unbearable.

When we tell a lie, it becomes part of the ‘secret life of us’, the ‘unmentionable guilt or shame’ memories we store in our subconscious. Rather like safety deposit boxes locked in a bank vault, this secret stash of nasties is kept under lock and key, rarely to see the light of day!

We tell lies, both to ourselves and others, to cover up what we believe to be the unsavoury parts of ourselves, we pretend to be what we are not, we say yes when we want to say no, we smile when we want to scream, and we pretend we are OK when we are falling apart. We go to work when we feel ill; we have sex when we don’t want it, we are manipulated and coerced and cajoled, we become consummate liars, we can even look people in the eye and convince them we’re telling the truth.

As passive personalities, we learn to go with flow, not rock the boat, take it as it comes, keep the peace, keep to ourselves, don’t trust anyone, make light of things, don’t take things too seriously, take things too seriously, be like them, follow the crowd, don’t make a fuss, do everything perfectly, do everything ourselves, don’t complain, wear the ‘in thing’, don’t make a fool of ourselves, don’t talk back, keep quiet, don’t provoke them and do as we are told.

Or as more antagonistic personalities, we are selfish, willful, bossy, cruel, mean, deceitful, over the top, exhibitionists, loud-mouthed, stubborn, ungrateful, attention-seeking,
opinionated, manipulative, controlling, demanding, perverted, psychotic, aggressive, bullying, violent and domineering.

All these traits are part of the personality we invent for ourselves. We are mostly impostors, actors, frauds, fakes, and pretenders. We learn to live our lives playing the roles we, or others, invent for us to help us survive and get what we believe we need. Some of us are so good at it that no-one will ever ‘see through us’, but a lot of us are so transparent that we can be seen coming a mile away.

What’s your game?

The Perfectionist; The Martyr; The Victim; The Do-Gooder; The Goody Two Shoes; The Introvert; The Placator; The Peacemaker; The Caretaker; The Missionary; The Saviour; The Innocent; The Good Guy; The Follower; The Rescuer; The Fall Guy; The Bossy Boots; The Rebel; The Liar; The Braggart; The Drug Addict; The Alcoholic; The Workaholic; The Hunter; The Hunted; The Leader; The Thief; The Murderer; The Union Leader; The Actor; The Intimidator; The Sulker, The Problem Generator, The Misogynist, The Bitch, The Cheat; The Procrastinator; The Religious Leader; The Flirt; The Manipulator; The Antagonist; The Persecutor; The Despot; The Intimidator; The Tormentor; the Tyrant; The Zealot; The Terrorist; - what’s your game?

Playing the game of survival serves no purpose other than keep us locked into a life of childish hurt and anger, never able to be who you were truly meant to be. Removing negative beliefs sets us free from the continual state of being on guard in case our lies will catch us out, giving us fidelity, honesty, security and peace of mind.